I joined a coworking space pre-pandemic, hoping that getting out of the house (and away from my TV and a host of other distractions) would make it easier for me to write our blog articles and work on the business tasks I am always putting off. I also hoped to make new friends, as I could tell that my social circles had been shrinking. I slowly got to know the other members, but it took me time to get comfortable, and the relationships stayed pretty surface-level. There was one woman I was curious about, and I hoped to get to know her better. Initially, we would say hello to each other when we passed in the kitchen. Over time, we learned that we both had small children of the same age, and we would chat about their sleep struggles, sharing any tips we tried in earnest.
Then the pandemic hit, and after a few months, it became clear that the coworking space wasn’t reopening. While some members were still connecting virtually and through Slack, I assumed that my burgeoning acquaintanceships wouldn’t go any further. Then, one day, when people were venturing outside in masks, I took a chance and asked the woman I had hoped to befriend if she wanted to grab tea and go for a walk. I was wracked with nerves when I asked, and to my delight, she said yes! We met up at a cafe near her house, grabbed our drinks to go, and started walking. I remember that after a few blocks, we became more comfortable being vulnerable with each other, and we laughed (a lot). When I got home, I was floating. I couldn’t stop talking about my new friend; I was giddy.
We started texting each other and going on walks more frequently, and the more we spoke and spent time together, the deeper our friendship grew. Our friendship sustained me through the pandemic and offered me such solace. We would chat about mundane things, support each other in running our small business, and share about our families. When we had tough times, we were there to commiserate, but we also celebrated our wins together.
After a few years, this lovely friend moved across the country, and then, this last year, she moved to another continent. I am as happy for her as I am sad for me. While we don’t connect as often as I’d like (which I am 100% responsible for; I’m not the best at maintaining long-distance relationships), I trust that when we see each other again, we will be able to fall back into our old stride without too much effort.
While I didn’t need to be reminded of the importance of friendship, this friendship reminded me that it’s never too late to make new friends and make friends that become family. Many of my friends from childhood and adulthood have moved away, leaving their imprints and leaving me longing for close friends who can join me for tea or to grab a movie. While I know that so many of us are looking to make friends, I also have to push myself to take the chance to initiate, and it takes more effort to find folks to try to build a friendship with.
Why Is Friendship Important?
What makes it important to make or have friends, even as adults? To start, friendship helps us with our personal growth and development. Our friendships allow us to learn about ourselves and receive emotional and practical help. Friends can challenge us to grow in beneficial ways, and they help meet our very real need for connection and to be seen and understood. Friends are also often the ones who hold us accountable, inspire us to try new things, and help us feel held.
As a society, we tend to value romantic relationships, and these are the relationships we celebrate at weddings and recognize in the court of law. However, the research shows that stable and healthy friendships greatly influence our overall well-being. In fact, studies have often shown that the benefits of friendship usually exceed the benefits of significant others or even family.
Over and over again, studies show that people with friends and close confidants are more satisfied with their lives. Research shows that friendships help us continue developing ourselves and achieving personal growth. They provide valuable opportunities to learn about ourselves and gain insight into our behaviors and values. Having friendships means we don’t have to rely on just one person to meet all our needs and desires; instead, we can share those burdens among multiple connections. Friendships give us a chance to practice interdependence, where we can express our own needs while also working together and supporting each other.
Studies consistently underscore the importance of connection and community; friendships can provide both. Friendships promote a sense of solidarity, helping us feel part of something bigger than ourselves. They also play a crucial role in combating social isolation and loneliness, offering emotional support and shared experiences.
What Are the Mental And Physical Health Benefits Of Friendship?
Friendships and social networks provide emotional support and help fulfill our needs. Through these connections, we are able to share our joys and sorrows with others, seek advice, and experience a sense of mattering and belonging.
Research indicates that engaging socially with friends and community is linked to greater happiness, life satisfaction, and even improved physical health. Strong social networks help individuals cope with and navigate challenges such as depression, anxiety, loneliness, and substance misuse. Researchers have found that friendship and social support can prevent or mitigate depression and that close friendships provide protection against depression and anxiety. And studies support that strong social networks help individuals cope with and manage challenges such as depression, anxiety, loneliness, and substance misuse. With regards to our physical health, countless benefits have been identified due to how friendships help us respond to stress, and overall, they mean a longer life or reduced risk of mortality.
Studies also show that close friendships, unlike casual acquaintances, provide deeper and more responsive support. Even having just one close friend can significantly reduce feelings of loneliness in adults. These are the friends who step up in instrumental and attuned ways—helping you move, bringing you soup when you’re sick, or offering comfort during emotionally difficult times.
Extensive research stresses the importance of in-person interactions, showing that face-to-face contact reduces stress and boosts physical and mental well-being. Further, studies show that time spent with others directly influences our moods and perspectives. Interestingly, these studies also highlight that both the person giving and the one receiving emotional support benefit from positive effects on their well-being. In other words, offering support feels just as rewarding as receiving it. Supportive friendships bolster emotional resilience and help with recovery during difficult times. The evidence is abundant: nurturing close connections impacts an individual’s ability to manage life’s stressors and find meaning in life.
Research also shows us that the mutual engagement required for friendships means that, at times, you will be sitting with another’s pain in the expression of compassion. Much like compassion requires the ability to tolerate discomfort to care for others, learning also involves sitting with the discomfort long enough to make the necessary neural connections within the brain. In other words, friendships help us maintain our neuroplasticity while developing compassion!
What Makes It So Hard to Make New Friends as an Adult?
Making new friendships in adulthood can feel harder than expected, even though the need for connection remains as crucial as ever. And studies support this feeling: in adulthood, our social circles start to diminish.
As we navigate adult life, we often fall into routines, take on increasing responsibilities, focus on work, and form our own families, all of which come with their own obligations. These demands leave little free time, and what’s left is often spent pursuing passions or activities that make life feel meaningful. Modern life can feel exhausting and limiting; more people than ever report feeling burnt out.
In adulthood, opportunities for social engagement are fewer—there are simply fewer situations where we have the chance to meet new people. In childhood, friendships could start anywhere and at anytime. This is not the case as adults, and the difficulties are even more prevalent now, as we have moved more and more online and away from community centers, organized sports, going to the office, and all the other ways we may have met people in the past. As adults, we create routines to make life more manageable, and while this is helpful, it can also add rigidity to our days. This contrasts with childhood, where most experiences feel fresh, and there’s a natural openness to building connections.
For those who engage in the nuclear family model, the challenges are even more pronounced. The increasing emphasis on family as a small, self-contained unit can further isolate adults. Those in caretaking roles, for example, often find themselves consumed by the time and energy required to care for their spouse, children, or immediate family members. Focusing on smaller units over our need for connection continues to take a toll on us, which is validated by analyses.
Another layer to the challenge is that people are often at different stages of life, which can create natural divides in friendships. If one person decides to start a family, they may have less time and energy to invest in their relationship with a friend who is single or without children. This shift can feel isolating for both people, as their priorities and daily lives no longer align as easily.
It can sometimes seem like friendships are limited to those who have made similar life choices or are in similar circumstances. It is often easier to befriend those who are in similar life stages or contexts, whether that’s having children, being single, or pursuing a specific career path. Age can also play a role, as people often gravitate toward those within their own generational experience, further narrowing the pool of potential connections.
Research has found that it takes around 90 hours to consider someone a casual friend, 140 hours to call someone a friend, and 200 hours to build a close friendship. With the constant demands of adulthood, it can feel almost impossible to nurture old and new friendships—especially when carving out time for yourself already feels like a challenge.
What Are the Different Forms of Friendship That Can Take Place in Adulthood?
While deep friendships have many benefits, there are many types of friendships available to us, and all have their advantages. Studies indiciate that “weak ties,” or more superficial friendships or acquaintanceships, can also positively impact our mental health. We tend to experience greater happiness and feel a sense of belonging when having more positive interactions. And while we may feel nervous about talking to strangers, an experiment by psychologists found that practice makes it easier and that, over time, people reported feeling more positively and more optimistic about talking to strangers. We also feel more connected, which is so important when it comes to combating loneliness.
We also tend to look for friends like us, which makes sense. It can be easier to join with someone you share things with, and commonalities can make it easier to take steps towards one another. However, diversity in friendships also has its gifts and can open the door to even greater connection. Cross generational friendships, for example, allow for mutual support and challenge ageism. Investigators also reinforce that friendships with people of diferrent genders, cultures, sexual orientations, and races help us develop a greater appreciation for diverisity and also help us challenge our perpections.
Additionally, friendships can change form over time, which is a natural occurance. We may have friends we are very close to during certain periods in our lives, but we are more distant from them when circumstances change. We may also have friends that compliment us in varying ways, and that we connect with over different activities or parts of our personalities. Different types of relationships meet different needs, which is vital for our overall well-being and is echoed by authors and researchers.
It’s clear that our friendships matter, and yet it can be hard to make friends and tend to our friendships. Here are some suggestions on cultivating your relationships so you can feel more connected while showing up for others.
How Can I Make New Friends as an Adult? And How Can I Deepen My Friendships?
Challenge Yourself to Be Vulnerable:
We are primed to avoid rejection, as it’s not only scary and painful, but evolutionarily, rejection could mean a real threat. Nonetheless, we have to take risks with vulnerability if we want to make new friends or deepen an acquaintance into a friendship. This can look like being the first person to say hello, inviting the other to spend more time together, or sharing more honestly about your inner world. When we are vulnerable with another, we invite them to be vulnerable, too, which is how intimacy is cultivated. Sharing about our inner world allows others to share about their own, and when we show up for each other and provide support in these situations, it helps us develop richer relationships.
Remind yourself that a person doesn’t always go from acquaintance to friend overnight and that, just like with any relationship, cultivating the relationship you want will take time and effort.
Push Yourself Out of Your Comfort Zone:
As adults, we are not always provided with circumstances that let us make friends easily. But if you are creative, you may find that you can make friends where you’re least expecting it. You can certainy approach friendships through your workplace or with colleagues, and other, more creative options may include meeting people through existing friends, pursuing a hobby that will expose you to new people with similar interests, and volunteering with a cause you’re passionate about. Some friendships may start online, and taking steps to develop them further may also be beneficial (and will require some stretching).
Being vulnerable and meeting new people will likely be outside your comfort zone, and that’s okay. Making a change may require some bravery. Going from acquaintance to friend sometimes entails asking to hang out or exchanging phone numbers. Those moments can be anxiety-inducing, but remind yourself that someone has to make the first move, and it might as well be you!
Celebrate All Types of Relationships:
We need connection, and we benefit from all types of connection. While you work to deepend your friendships and/or create new friendships, don’t overlook the friendships and acquaintances you’ve already made. The neighbor you say hello to when you’re getting in your car, the store checker helping you find that hard to find item, the colleague you only see in meetings: these ties are important too. Acknowledge your small interactions—like the conversation with a colleague at lunch or the neighbor you chat with while walking your dog. Though brief, these connections contribute to a sense of belonging and well-being.
And if you have friendships that have shifted and changed over time, this is a normal occurrence, and it doesn’t mean you cannot rekindle these friendships or enjoy them in their new form.
Have Compassion for Yourself:
Making new friends and building friendships can be difficult. We may feel nervous and afraid of rejection, which makes sense. If you want to make new friends and deepen friendships, finding ways to keep trying and not get discouraged will be critical. It’s not always an instant connection, and relationships all develop in their own way and in their own time. Remember that friendships take time. It’s okay if your first attempts don’t immediately lead to deep connections. Be patient and treat yourself kindly, remembering that every small step counts. Having compassion for yourself during this process and being kind to yourself will allow you to keep going and to tend to your most important relationship, the one you have with yourself.
While making friends and deepening friendships can be hard, there are many reasons to challenge yourself and prioritize it. Taking small, actionable steps to connect with new people and nurture existing relationships benefits everyone involved and in so many ways. If you find that you’re struggling with this, we hope you know you’re not alone. Therapy can offer space to better understand what’s getting in the way and to practice being in relationship. If this is something you’d like to explore, we hope you reach out.