What I remember about having “the talk” with my parents is foggy at best. I think I was five or 6-years-old and asked my mother where babies come from. We were in the elevator on my way to visit my grandmother. My mother shared something about how a woman has a seed inside her, and a man waters it, and that’s how babies are made… That was it. The talk lasted less than the time it took to get to the fourth floor from the first.
Understandably, I was confused. My lack of understanding became apparent when I saw two siblings, a boy and a girl, sharing an ice cream bar. I turned to my older brother in panic, convinced that they had just made a baby! In my head, the seed and the watering occurred through kissing because no one had told me otherwise (or anything, really!). I talked to my friends, who had different misconceptions, and over time, some things began to crystallize.
And there was still so much I didn’t know and didn’t learn until much later. Later than I needed and later than would have been beneficial. Growing up, ‘the talk’ I received focused only on how babies are made and it barely covered that, leaving out vital conversations about consent, emotional readiness, and the complexities of sexuality. Without this knowledge, I had sex before I was emotionally prepared and encountered experiences that were damaging to me. It wasn’t until much later that I realized sex education should cover far more than just reproduction.
When I was an undergraduate at UC Berkeley, I was fortunate enough to sign up for a class on sexuality that was facilitated by other students. It was one of the most educational and informative experiences I’ve had when it comes to learning about sex and sexuality. I can’t believe that I was almost 20 years old when I thoroughly learned about my anatomy, the proper names for my body parts, the concept of consent (and sexual violations), and had candid conversations about pornography and solo sex. The course was comprehensive, and I learned so much; I remember feeling empowered through it. I was also so saddened when I realized the information I was learning could have been made available so much sooner!
As a parent, I have worked hard to make information accessible to my children. It’s not always easy, and I have often researched how to talk to them about sex and sexuality, doing my best to make sure they never feel ashamed and that they are equipped with what they need to move through each stage in life. In speaking to them, I am confronted with how I talk to myself about sex, too. What I wish I had learned as a child and teen, and how I wish the adults approached these conversations and the messages they instilled.
What Is The Sex Talk and Why Is It Important?
The “sex talk” isn’t just a one-time conversation—it’s an ongoing dialogue, and it’s not just about penetrative intercourse but about so much more. It’s about consent, body autonomy, safety, anatomy, conception, contraception, pleasure, intimacy, and more. While we often associate the sex talk with a single, awkward conversation between parents and children, reframing it as a continuous, evolving discussion is more accurate and constructive. And this conversation isn’t necessarily limited to children; it extends to our communities and even strangers. And it’s a conversation we may need to have with ourselves. Sex is a part of life that we are constantly navigating within relationships and on our own.
Today, conversations around sex and sexuality are evolving rapidly, driven by cultural shifts, advocacy for inclusivity, and media representation. Shows like Sex Education and films exploring diverse identities have created spaces where openness and inquiry about consent, pleasure, and respect are encouraged. These narratives challenge old taboos and reflect a broader societal push for honest discussions about our bodies, desires, and boundaries. They help expand the scope of what the “sex talk“ can and should include, promoting a richer understanding of sexuality that encompasses more than just the mechanics of sex.
Despite these advancements, however, discussions around sex and sexuality still often evoke discomfort and are treated as taboo, with serious consequences. Jonathan Alexander, in Literacy, Sexuality, Pedagogy, highlights how deeply ingrained cultural stigmas have distorted the way we approach sexuality, often shrouding it in shame. When we fail to talk openly about sex, we leave room for misinformation, misunderstanding, and ignorance. This lack of knowledge can lead to risky behaviors, confusion about consent, and a disconnect from one’s own body. It heightens the risk of sexual abuse and makes it harder to discuss consent and boundaries openly, as learning about body autonomy and boundaries provides the tools and language needed to establish safety, agency, and clarity and seek assistance when necessary.
The stigma surrounding sex and sexuality generates unwarranted shame and guilt around personal pleasure and sexual identity. These emotions can hinder healthy sexual growth and self-expression, leading to emotional distress and internalized shame. Often, people are deterred from seeking necessary sexual health care, creating obstacles to obtaining contraception, STI testing, and gender-affirming care.
Research suggests that parents and influential adults have the most significant impact on sexual decision-making and values, more so than peers, media, siblings, religious leaders, or teachers. Therefore, one way to help change our society’s understanding of sexuality is to engage in open and constructive conversations with the children in our lives about these topics.
When we start these conversations early and foster healthy environments for “sexual literacy,“ we raise adults who have healthier, more positive relationships with their bodies and sexuality—free from the guilt and shame that too often cloud what should be natural, joyful experiences. These adults then pass those values on to the children in their lives, creating a positive feedback loop of openness, acceptance, and pleasure that continues to break down harmful stigmas around sex and sexuality.
There is no “right“ time to start talking about sex with children. Instead, understanding it as an ongoing conversation allows for age-appropriate discussions that build upon each other over time, fostering a lifelong openness and comfort with these very natural topics.
How Can I Start Conversations About Sex with My Kids?
When children are toddlers, we teach them the correct terms for the different parts of their bodies: their eyes, ears, and nose. And yet, there can be a reluctance to teach them about their genitals and discomfort about using anatomically correct language. Teaching young children about their genitals can help them conceptualize them as a part of their body and understand that there’s no part of their body they need to be ashamed of. Over time, parents can help their children by teaching them about the different functions of their genitals and how to care for them.
Whenever parents talk to their children about sex, I would encourage parents to be honest and forthcoming. If your child has a specific question, answer it using age-appropriate language, and then allow them to process your answer and follow up. With preteens, they may have mixed feelings about the idea of sex and may still be learning about how their bodies will be changing, and it’s important for them to know that they can come to you, their parents, as trusted adults on the topic.
For teens, the conversations may be more focused on sex-positivity and acceptance while also discussing the necessity for protection and the possibilities of different STIs and potential outcomes of penetrative, vaginal intercourse, and other types of sex. Children may also have questions about sex that are not heteronormative, and to have that normalized and discussed will be so important for all children, including those that are LGBTQ+.
What Do My Kids Need to Know About Consent? How Can I Teach My Children About Body Safety?
Children can be taught about consent by understanding that they have the right to decide if and when they want to engage in physical contact, such as hugging or holding hands. They learn that it’s their choice to say yes or no to touch, empowering them to set boundaries that feel right for them. With the exception of situations involving safety or health—such as when an adult needs to prevent a child from running into the street or check their lungs to make sure they’re healthy—children should learn that their bodies belong to them. Learning that they have body autonomy is also a part of the sex talk.
Body autonomy is also an important component of child sexual abuse prevention and intervention. Research indicates that children who are not adequately educated about their bodies, body safety, and sexual development face a higher risk of abuse. Conversely, children and teens who feel in control of their bodies are less likely to be successfully targeted for sexual abuse and are more likely to tell a trusted adult if something has made them uncomfortable.
A compelling part of this education is teaching children to use anatomically correct names for body parts, which enhances their understanding of body safety and enables them to describe physical experiences and express themselves clearly.
Empowering adults through education on body safety and autonomy is also part of this equation. Parents, caregivers, influential adults, and educators benefit from learning to have open, non-judgmental discussions about bodily autonomy, as it equips them to reinforce these values for their children and communities. When adults model respect for physical boundaries and engage in informed conversations, they protect children and strengthen their own ability to respond effectively to boundary violations. Education on consent and body safety for adults provides tools for recognizing the signs of sexual abuse and creates a supportive environment where children feel safe disclosing any uncomfortable experiences.
How Can I Talk To My Kid About Masturbating?
Children are also often curious about their bodies and may find certain types of self-touch pleasurable. Studies have shown that children as young as six months can begin to soothe themselves through self-touch. Helping children know when and where it’s appropriate to engage in self-touch is another part of the “sex talk,“ and it may include learning to wash their hands before and after they touch their genitals and to do so in a private space, either in their rooms or in the bathroom. Sending this message without shame can help children learn more about their bodies and what is and isn’t socially acceptable, with a sex-positive undercurrent.
These conversations should include a range of sexual identities and expressions. Research has shown that such an approach has a greater likelihood of reducing rates of sexually transmitted infections and unintended pregnancy. It embraces diversity from the start, facilitating broader conversations about gender and sexual diversity to emerge naturally. It empowers children to feel that their bodies are normal, regardless of who they grow up to love or how they identify.
Adults, too, can educate themselves about solo sex, self-touch, pleasure, and exploration, regardless of their identities. Revisiting and reframing these concepts as adults can help us break down internalized shame and accept our desires as valid and healthy. Understanding self-touch as a form of self-care and exploration, rather than something secretive or shameful, allows us to develop a more positive and affirming relationship with our bodies.
How Do I Answer “Where Do Babies Come From?“
According to research, it is common for children to start asking questions about conception around 3-4 years old. Many children naturally become curious about where babies come from as they begin to learn about conception, which is an imperative but often poorly addressed aspect of sex education. Caregivers frequently rely on euphemisms and vague explanations of conception, but this approach can confuse children during a key stage of their development. Studies show that most adults describe the origin of babies by saying, ‘they come from the mommy’s tummy,‘ while very few mention the uterus, the union of sperm and egg, or address sexual intercourse.
An example of a healthy and inclusive conversation can look like this:
Child: Where do babies come from?
Adult: Babies grow in a part of the body called the uterus. That’s where they develop until they’re ready to be born.
Child: How does the baby get out?
Adult: There are a few ways. Sometimes the baby comes out through an opening between the legs called the vagina, which stretches so the baby can come out. Other times, a doctor may help by taking the baby out through a surgery called a C-section.
Child: How does the baby get in there?
Adult: Babies can start growing when an egg from one person meets sperm from another. When the egg and sperm come together, a baby can begin to grow.
Child: How do the egg and sperm meet?
Adult: There are different ways. One way is when a penis goes into a vagina and sperm is released. Another way is with the help of doctors, who can bring the sperm and egg together in a special procedure.
That being said, sex can mean so many things, and sexual intercourse, or penetrative sex with a penis and vagina, is just one type of sex. Equally valid forms of sexual interaction include non-penetrative activities like oral sex, mutual masturbation, and other consensual acts. Sex is not just about reproduction, as centering penetrative sex might imply; sex is about connection, pleasure, and self-expression. Children and teens could have questions about sexual practices beyond the heteronormative framework. Including same-sex relationships, gender identity, and non-binary expressions of sexuality as part of the conversation is a more well-rounded and affirming approach.
Will Telling My Child About Sex Make Them Have Sex Before They’re Ready?
Often, parents worry that talking to their kids about sex will prompt them to have sex, but research shows that this is not the case. Studies support that youth are less likely to initiate sex, are more likely to delay sex, and are more likely to set clear rules when their parents have talked to them about sex and communicated their values and expectations. Additionally, when parents talk to their children about birth control and sexually transmitted disease (STD) prevention, youth are far more likely to use birth control and contraceptives. Talking to children about sex gives parents the opportunity and ability to influence their children’s sexual behavior decisions.
Beyond that, children and teens want their parents and caregivers to talk to them about sex. Another report states, “Nearly 87% of adolescents agree that ‘it would be easier for adolescents to postpone sexual activity and avoid adolescent pregnancy if they were able to have more open, honest conversation about these topics with their parents.‘” Consider your child’s behaviors, interests, and physical maturation. Provide them with accurate information and let them ask questions that are related to what they’re experiencing and what they’re curious about. The more they know, the more they can come to you with follow-up questions and make informed decisions.
Preteens typically go through puberty, and explaining what changes they can expect and why and sharing personal experiences can help open up the conversation. During this stage, you can also educate them about the different types of sex, the risk factors, and the potential outcomes.
If there are things that they can learn from your experience, you can share what feels appropriate for you (and what you think they can manage based on what you know about your preteen). As your children become teenagers, you may decide to provide more details, but also make sure to open up the conversation so that they can ask questions and share what comes up for them based on what you’ve told them.
Should I Talk To My Kids About My Own Sexual Experiences?
As your child matures, you may wonder whether sharing your personal experiences will help them better understand sex. You may choose to disclose about your own experiences and what you learned from them. What you share with them is definitely up to you. I would encourage you to consider what you want to share with them and how it would benefit them to hear it.
Sharing about your experiences, including mistakes that you’ve learned from or what you wish you had done differently, can help your children know that you’re a safe person to talk to about sex. This can also give your children more information so they can make their own decisions about sexual activity.
Whatever you share with them, it’s crucial to remember their developmental stages and communicate using age-appropriate language and concepts. Like any conversation with children, this may be ongoing, too. They may want to revisit it with follow-up questions and thoughts, or you may reflect on the conversation and have follow-up thoughts you want to share with them.
Setting a foundation for having open and hard conversations benefits all children. And the incredible thing about being an adult who has lived through difficulties is that we can now process our experiences and create a narrative that reflects our current understanding. This can also provide valuable lessons for your children and help them feel more comfortable coming to you with difficult experiences and decisions.
I would encourage parents to reflect on why they want to share certain experiences with their children, what lessons they’ve learned, and what they hope to impart. If a parent is still processing their experiences and looking to do so with their children, hoping their children will help them manage their shame or seeking acceptance from their children, this may not be appropriate. It’s important to remember that you are the parent. While your need to process is valid, maintaining boundaries with your children is crucial.
Again, keep in mind your child’s developmental stages when sharing, too. There are details you may elect to bypass altogether, or you may decide to discuss them when your children are mature enough to conceptualize them. When you share about your experiences with your children, the hope is to highlight the importance of safer practices and informed decision-making.
How Can I Better Talk To My Kids (and Myself) About Sex?
Get Clear On Your Message:
Before talking to your kids about sex, it can help to get clear on what you want to tell them and how. Consider starting by taking inventory of the messages you have received in childhood and growing up. Rather than accepting your beliefs about sex and sexuality as absolute truth, you can examine them and consider where the messages came from. Once you look at them more deeply, you can “try them on“ and ask yourself if they still fit.
Children are attuned to our messages; both what we tell them explicitly, what we tell them more subtly, and even what we don’t tell them sends a message. If you want your children to be sex-positive adults, it’s important to communicate a sex-positive and accepting message. Children and teens will also learn if you are comfortable talking to them about sex and if they can come to you with questions or to talk about issues they’re having. Practice answering initial questions and follow-up questions. If it’s uncomfortable for you to talk about sex, take time to identify what you want your children to know and rehearse your script so you can slowly become more comfortable. Remember to be honest and to keep the information age and developmentally appropriate.
Have Compassion For Yourself:
If you, like me, didn’t have parents model sex-positive messaging or if you cringe talking about sex, it makes sense that this is uncomfortable and if it’s something you want to avoid discussing with your children. Acknowledge to yourself that it’s okay to find these conversations challenging. It’s also okay to admit to your child that these conversations are difficult for you, which can model openness and vulnerability. Be kind to yourself if these talks are difficult for you, and take it one step at a time.
Leave Space for Mistakes and To Keep The Conversation Going:
If your child or teen asks you a question and you don’t know the answer, tell them that. Let them know that you will research so you can answer their question accurately. If they ask you a question and you don’t know how to respond, it’s okay to return to the topic, but make sure you do come back to it. If you make a mistake or say something you wish you hadn’t, know you can return to the conversation and address the misstep. What’s important is to keep the conversation going and to make space for it to continue.
Get Support If You Need It:
If you’re struggling with talking about sex with your children, know that you are not alone and that there are countless resources available to help with your approach. Consider going to your local library to find books on the topic, listen to experts on podcasts, and read vetted articles online. Having additional information can be invaluable and make the process much easier. If you find that you need further support, consider reaching out to a therapist. It’s okay to seek help if you feel overwhelmed or unsure, and doing so can model healthy behavior for your children.
Therapy can also be helpful if talking to your kids about sex is bringing up experiences, thoughts, or feelings that you could use help processing so that you can show up for your children the way you want to.
Given everything that we need to include in the “sex talk,“ it becomes clearer why we can’t expect to get through everything in just one sitting. Our children benefit when we allow this dialogue to develop and become more involved, and so do we. In talking to our children about sex, we are doing more than teaching them about facts; we are also helping them feel empowered, respected, and safe in their own bodies. While it may feel uncomfortable initially, starting these conversations early and making space for them will help raise confident and informed individuals who will be ready to engage in healthier relationships—with themselves and others. If you find that you need help starting the conversation with your kids, or you want to reparent yourself and change the narrative you’ve learned about sex, we hope you reach out. We would be glad to support you and help you feel empowered.