Over the summer, I got to join my mother and our extended family for a family reunion. It was the first time in a long time that I was with my parents, brother (and his family), cousins, etc., and my partner and children in tow, too. I had approached the trip with both excitement and trepidation. There were family members I hadn’t seen in years and was eager to reconnect with. And there were going to be so many of us all together, which I worried could take a toll over the course of days. My family has strong personalities, and as in many families, we are not always equipped to manage conflict.
The trip was a lot. I am so grateful for the time sitting beside my grandmother and holding her hand, smiling as I watched my kids play with their cousins, and the big belly laughs when my aunt tried to ride a hoverboard (and fortunately didn’t break any limbs). And the trip definitely had its tests. There were moments when I found myself playing a role in my family that I thought I had outgrown years ago and times when it was clear that my family didn’t know how to relate to me as an adult, still seeing me as the 16-year-old trouble maker I was in my youth. We had difficult conversations about political beliefs and views on childrearing, and things got heated.
Overall, though, I was proud of how I navigated the complex relationships and situations. After years of working on myself and exploring my family dynamics, I was better prepared to engage with my family than I had been in the past. As I get ready for the holidays, which will mean more family time, I’m reflecting on how I want to approach our time together and how I can make the best of the experiences.
Why Are Family Gatherings So Emotionally Charged?
In adulthood, while we have to tend to countless responsibilities, we are granted agency that we didn’t have growing up. Yes, we still have to engage with colleagues we don’t get along with and complete tasks we would rather avoid. But for the most part, we choose who we engage with and how we relate to people. This is not true when it comes to our family of origin: the family we were born into or the first family we belonged to. We didn’t choose these families, and yet they are ours. We may elect to distance ourselves from them as we grow into adulthood, and in the case of those with toxic family members, we may choose to limit or cut off relationships. But many individuals still have close ties to their families or at least expect to see them a few times a year, especially during the holidays. These experiences can be complicated, and it’s not uncommon for people to brace themselves as they prepare to see their families, aiming just to survive the holidays.
Why Do We Act Like Our Teenage Selves When We Are With Our Parents and Siblings?
There are so many layers regarding why we may struggle to spend time with our family of origin and extended families. After the family reunion, I couldn’t help but notice how quickly I fell into old patterns—moments when I felt like my teenage self all over again. It made me think about why that happens and how the dynamics of our family of origin, shaped so early in life, continue to influence us even as adults. Part of the answer lies in how we develop our identities and the roles we’ve played in our families over the years. As we grow up, we often engage in a process called individuating, creating a life that stands independently from the family system we were raised in. You form your own values, interests, and connections with people outside of your family, building an identity that reflects your unique experiences.
For many, this process is happening in parallel with moving out of the home we share with our family of origin. So, spending extended time with family can feel like stepping back in time because when you were last with your family of origin, you weren’t yet this individuated version of yourself. Old roles from childhood or adolescence can reemerge, roles you may have left behind as you’ve grown. It’s also natural for family members to view you through the lens of who you were rather than who you’ve become. This dynamic—where there’s a natural split between who you are now and who your family may still see—can make visits challenging.
Murray Bowen’s extensive research on family systems shows us that a kind of regression can happen when we spend time with our family of origin. While not everyone reverts to old family roles to the same extent, it’s common to feel echoes of our younger selves in family settings. For example, if the eldest child was the “responsible one” growing up, they may find themselves managing logistics or smoothing over conflicts, even when they no longer wish to carry that load. Similarly, another individual might use humor to soothe things over or to distract, if that is how they learned to keep the peace in childhood. Bowen also suggests that family members act as mirrors to each other, which can trigger this emotional reactivity and cause individuals to revert to past roles in an attempt to stabilize the emotional climate of the family.
While my family reunion had moments of joy—watching my kids play with their cousins and reconnecting with my grandmother—it also reminded me how easily old tensions can resurface. Differences in boundaries, lifestyles, expectations, or simply personality traits can make interactions with family challenging. These dynamics can stir up old tensions or create new conflicts, making it harder to feel at ease and fully enjoy time together. These moments of friction, though inevitable, don’t have to overshadow the good times. Preparing thoughtfully for family gatherings can help us navigate these challenges and enjoy more of the connection we hope for during the holidays.
How Does Stress Show Up in Our Bodies During The Holidays With Family?
Experiences of friction with family can disrupt the nervous system, leading the body to produce higher levels of cortisol and adrenaline, hormones associated with the “fight or flight” response. Researchers are clear that our bodies can overreact to stressors and prompt us to experience physiological changes, like increased heart rate, faster breathing, increased body temperature, and gastrointestinal discomfort when we experience discord with our families. As a result, it’s much harder to stay relaxed or emotionally balanced. Being in survival mode like this can make it challenging to maintain perspective, leaving you feeling trapped in a state of heightened alertness or stress and unable to show up the way you’d like to.
What Are The Other Stressors That Make It Difficult To Be With Family?
Traveling with children can add another layer of complexity. In everyday life, parents can usually control what their kids are exposed to and how discipline is handled. With family, however, new dynamics can emerge, as relatives may feel compelled to comment on parenting choices or even discipline the kids in ways that don’t align with the parents’ approach. This shift can feel uncomfortable and may create tension. It can also serve as a reminder of how your parents cared for and disciplined you as a child. These reminders can be complex in their own right and also cause tension.
Beyond this, being reminded of or stepping into any unhelpful or dysfunctional dynamics that you’ve worked hard to shift in your life and thinking processes can be challenging. This can include body shaming and critiques around how we look or how we eat, questions or judgments about our relationship choices, and harmful messages about other life stages we are navigating.
Then, there are practical choices and points that can also be emotionally charged and cause complications. Routines play a significant role in helping people feel grounded, and while traveling, those routines—and coping tools—are suddenly out of reach. Access to a familiar workout, quality time with friends, or simply the comfort of one’s bed (I know I always sleep better in mine!) can make all the difference. Being out of this usual environment often feels unsettling, especially when movement, familiar spaces, and social support are less accessible. Without these touchpoints, it’s natural to feel a bit unsteady. Further, different expectations about how to use time together (or apart), which activities to participate in, sleeping arrangements, and even menu options can become points of contention when what we want is at odds with what other family members wish for.
So, What Can We Do To Enjoy Time With Family Over The Holidays Instead Of Just Getting Through Them?: Practical Tips for Managing Holiday Stress
Preparing for the holidays and family travel can feel overwhelming, especially when you’ve had challenging experiences in the past. However, there are several ways to thoughtfully prepare for travel with family to help create a more enjoyable experience.
Get Clear On What You Want
Instead of just setting out to survive the holidays, it can help to think about and be honest with yourself about what you truly want from your time with your family and how you’d like to feel. For instance, if you want to feel relaxed and unhurried, think about what you’re saying yes to and what you may prefer to say no to. Reducing the number of activities you take on and allowing for downtime between your plans or activities might help you recover and return to the next activity feeling recharged instead of depleted. This can also look like delegating tasks, ordering food instead of cooking or choosing not to host gatherings yourself. Or maybe it means that you make the menu or create a centerpiece for the holiday dinner.
If it’s important to you to spend time with family over the holidays, chances are you want to show up as your best self, and to do that, you may need to be honest with yourself to show up authentically. If saying no to some things allows you to show up for what’s important with more clarity and intention, this may be worthwhile.
Prepare For Challenges and Triggers
Research indicates that preemptive emotional regulation can reduce the intensity of complex interactions. Emotional preparation also involves planning for known triggers. If you anticipate specific patterns—such as a relative commenting on your personal life choices—you can practice neutral yet effective responses ahead of time. Communicating your boundaries clearly or redirecting conversations toward lighter topics can save energy and protect your emotional well-being.
There are so many coping skills we can use to help us regulate when we are feeling stressed and overwhelmed, including meditation, going for walks, stretching, visualizations, grounding, reading, and journaling. Take time to identify what works for you, and practice using these skills even when you’re not feeling stressed so that you can access them when you need them.
Establish and Maintain Boundaries
Boundaries are another critical part of holiday preparation. Research consistently proves that setting and maintaining boundaries reduces overwhelm and contributes to positive mental health. While boundaries can lead to discomfort or resistance from others, they are essential for protecting your emotional space. Boundaries are about what feels right for you, not controlling others’ reactions. When the urge to people-please comes up, you can remind yourself that you are entitled to care for yourself and that others can take care of themselves (including their emotions).
Plan Logistics Ahead of Time
Planning the logistics of family travel and gatherings can help reduce potential stress and create a sense of structure for you and your family. If activities are being planned, it’s helpful to communicate your scheduling preferences beforehand. Additionally, addressing sensitive topics that may be off-limits and outlining possible responses if they come up can provide clarity and establish boundaries before conversations begin.
It’s essential to think about practical details such as meals, lodging, and schedules. Choosing where to stay—whether with family or in a separate space—can give you peace of mind and a sense of independence. Coordinating plans for meals, including when and what you’ll eat, ensures your needs are met. These preparations create a protective framework, providing stability for you while allowing family members time to adjust to changes.
Take Space When You Need It
Taking space will look different for everyone, but listen to yourself both when planning and when you’re in the midst of family activities. While it may be challenging to stay elsewhere if your family expects you to stay with them over the holidays, having space from them may allow you to better enjoy your time together. If this is the case for you and it’s possible to stay somewhere where you’ll be comfortable, it’s okay to plan for and communicate this with love and kindness. You can use “I statements” to express your decision, focusing on communicating your needs and feelings. If you choose to stay with family or don’t have an alternative choice, you can still take emotional and physical space when needed. This can look like taking bathroom breaks to engage in deep breathing or calling a friend, going for a solo walk in the morning before sitting down for breakfast, or reading the book you brought with you instead of sitting down for game night.
Create and Participate In Family Traditions
While some traditions could be retired (like having a family member commenting on your looks/dress/dating life or pushing a third serving of pie that nobody wants), there are likely some rituals your family has cultivated that create a welcome structure and offer comfort. If this isn’t the case, it’s never too late to make one, like decorating the mantle together or developing a gratitude practice, with each person expressing something they are grateful for after enjoying a fulfilling dinner. Research supports that while the holidays can be stressful and frustrating, rituals increase family closeness and involvement, which is precisely what we hope for when we spend time together.
Time with family is rarely simple, and in any relationship, we are bound to experience moments of conflict and differing expectations. However, the hope with the holidays is to build connection even when it’s hard. While the above tips aren’t likely to transform your family dynamics, they may make it easier to find pleasure when you’re with your family and to actually enjoy the holidays (or at least parts of them). If you find that you need help better understanding your family dynamics or implementing the suggestions in this article, we hope you reach out. We know how complex relationships are, and we would be honored to help you navigate the relationships in your family.