There are many moments in my life where I have acted in a way that later left me embarrassed or, even worse, ashamed. One exchange I have thought about many times since was a conversation between myself and a dear friend during my senior year in high school. My friend was a year older and was already in college, and he called me one night to let me know that his father had just died. I wish I could say that I was able to offer him comfort and space to process, but that is not what happened. My 17-year-old self had no idea what to do or say. I think I mumbled that I was so sorry and maybe asked a question about how he was feeling or doing… and then I must have changed the subject. I can’t remember all of the elements of the conversation, but I do remember that somehow, a few minutes later, I was making jokes. My friend was a good sport about it, and humor had always been our language, but I can’t imagine that was what (or all) he needed from me during that time.
When I look back at this exchange, it’s easy to see that I didn’t have the emotional maturity and availability to support my friend when he needed it most. I was young, and I wasn’t raised in a home where feelings were discussed openly or where emotional support was offered readily. I had no model for having difficult conversations. It took me years to develop language around emotions and even longer to learn how to have heartfelt and vulnerable conversations, to learn to sit with hard feelings. Years later, I reached out to my friend to offer an apology and the wish that I had shown up differently when he needed me.
Unfortunately, being emotionally available and having emotional maturity aren’t a given for any of us at any age or stage in life. While I was a “mature” teenager and had already experienced a lot, that hadn’t prepared me to be emotionally available and secure, to know how to listen and how to show care. This has come with time and experience, studying therapy, and, just as importantly, sitting on the other side of the therapist’s couch. We can all learn to better connect in relationships and communicate, but it is a skill that we have to commit to and that requires vulnerability.
What Is Emotional Unavailability—and What Is It Not?
Emotional unavailability is often pointed to as a red flag in dating culture. It’s even reached meme-level awareness in pop culture, where people regularly talk about what it looks like and bond over the pain of dating someone who’s emotionally unavailable. But the truth is, emotional unavailability is more nuanced than it’s often understood to be at the surface level. It refers to difficulty forming deep emotional connections—a pattern where someone either avoids or genuinely struggles to access emotional closeness, even when they crave it. While we tend to understand emotional unavailability mostly in the context of romance, it can show up in any kind of relationship: platonic, familial, or even work dynamics. Anywhere intimacy and closeness are invited, emotional unavailability can quietly creep in and cause someone to pull back.
Emotional unavailability (EU) exists on a spectrum. Some relationships may offer enough safety for someone to open up, while others might lead them to shut down more often. People might genuinely want to connect and try their best but still find themselves unable to go deep with someone—either because they lack the tools or because something holds them back. Research supports this more fluid understanding. A 2015 study on emotional availability (EA) highlights that EA isn’t fixed—it’s shaped by our interpersonal dynamics and the quality of our interactions. You may not be emotionally available to everyone, and that doesn’t make you defective. It makes you human.
While it’s tempting to pathologize EU, especially in romantic contexts, it’s worthwhile to understand it as an unconscious mechanism. Many emotionally unavailable individuals aren’t aware of their own unavailability. They aren’t intentionally withholding, and they may even believe themselves to be emotionally available. Often, they simply don’t know how to access or express what they feel. It’s usually only after facing the same relational challenges repeatedly that they begin to recognize this as an area needing growth.
More often than not, EU is a coping mechanism—one that may have formed during childhood or in the aftermath of trauma or emotional pain. What can look like indifference or detachment is often fear in disguise: fear of rejection, abandonment, being seen and misunderstood, or ultimately, being hurt. According to a ScienceDirect study, high emotional distress is linked to a reduced capacity for intimacy, reinforcing the idea that EU is more about protection than a permanent or inherent trait.
What Does Emotionally Unavailability Look Like?
When someone is emotionally unavailable, it may look like:
- Avoiding or deflecting serious conversations
- Difficulty expressing or labeling emotions
- An aversion to commitment or keeping people at arm’s length
- Inconsistency—sometimes they’re warm and present, and other times they’re distant or withdrawn
- Struggling with conflict
- A mismatch between what they say and how they show up emotionally
- Using humor or sarcasm to dodge vulnerability
- Withdrawing physically or emotionally during emotionally charged moments
- Appearing indifferent or uncomfortable when others express their feelings
- Deprioritizing emotional closeness or connection
- Showing little curiosity about another’s emotional world
- Shutting down when discussing difficult topics
It’s also important to recognize what emotional unavailability is not. It doesn’t mean someone is incapable of love. And contrary to popular belief, it doesn’t mean that someone who isn’t actively seeking a relationship is emotionally stunted. In fact, many people who are emotionally unavailable are in long-term partnerships or parenting roles. As many of us know firsthand—having had them as partners or parents—emotional unavailability isn’t about whether someone chooses to be in a relationship. The real indicator is what happens within the relationship and if they’re able to connect emotionally.
What Does It Look Like To Be Emotionally Available?
So we’ve learned about emotional unavailability—now let’s talk about emotional availability (EA). Emotional availability is the ability to connect relationally with others and with yourself without allowing the perceived risk outweigh the potential reward. In other words, people who are more emotionally available tend to have more practice and comfort with being present, expressing empathy, and engaging in emotional closeness and vulnerability.
It’s important to note that emotional availability isn’t about being emotionally flawless or open with everyone you meet—it’s more about showing up in ways that invite intimacy and connection within your environments and communities. Someone who is more practiced in emotional availability tends to:
- Listen attentively and respond with care
- Validate others’ feelings instead of minimizing them
- Share their own emotional experiences, even when it’s uncomfortable
- Stay present and engaged during conflict rather than shutting down or withdrawing (consistently)
- Demonstrate alignment between their words and actions
- Express curiosity about another’s inner world
- Attempt vulnerability, even when it feels challenging or unfamiliar
These behaviors reflect what Field’s research describes as attunement and emotional synchrony—the capacity to engage with others in meaningful, responsive ways. This kind of engagement strengthens bonds and builds trust, whether in romantic relationships, friendships, or family dynamics.
By contrast, emotional unavailability often manifests as a form of distancing—not necessarily physical, but emotional. It can be subtle and confusing, especially when paired with enthusiastic behavior at the beginning of a relationship or affection and surface-level warmth in long-standing relationships.
As mentioned earlier, emotionally unavailable individuals often care deeply—they just struggle to express it. Research supports this perspective: it’s not about apathy; it’s about overwhelm. Inconsistent emotional support, difficulty sitting with vulnerability, and emotional shutdown during conflict are common traits of emotional unavailability. Studies indicate that individuals with high distress intolerance are more likely to disengage during periods of emotional intensity, suggesting that emotional unavailability is often a coping mechanism rather than a deliberate choice.
Recognizing the difference between these relational behaviors isn’t about judgment; it’s about clarity and reflection. If you consistently feel alone in your emotional experience—even when you’re not physically alone—it may be a sign that emotional unavailability is at play.
As Brené Brown says: “There’s a difference between weathering a storm together and living under a permanent forecast of emotional distance. One leads to growth, the other to erosion. Emotional erosion is quiet; it doesn’t announce itself with explosions. It happens in the small daily absence of being met, of feeling like you’re always reaching, hoping, asking for a closeness that never quite arrives.”
How Does Emotional Unavailability Develop—and Is It Always a Dealbreaker?
Emotional unavailability often stretches back to early experiences with caregivers and role models. The presence—or absence—of emotional availability in these formative relationships shapes our capacity for closeness. If emotional needs were ignored, punished, or left unmet during youth, it’s not uncommon for people to internalize the belief that expressing vulnerability will only lead to pain (and unmet needs).
Research shows that even when a caregiver is physically present, emotional disengagement—whether due to depression, stress, or lack of attunement—can still cause a child to experience emotional distress. Over time, emotional walls form—not out of malice or with intent, but as a means of self-protection. These early dynamics create a blueprint for our adult relationships, as we often mimic in our own lives what was modeled for us in childhood.
While these patterns often form from childhood experiences and modeling, emotional unavailability can also develop later in life—especially in response to trauma. Studies reveal that events such as a painful breakup, the death of a partner, or a toxic relationship can all lead someone to shut down emotionally. When we experience intense relational pain without sufficient support or recovery, the mind may start to equate emotional closeness to danger.
Depression, anxiety, and other mental health conditions can also play a role in someone’s capacity for emotional availability. Research done at the University of Utah discusses how people dealing with mental health challenges may experience low energy, emotional blunting, or a reduced capacity to tolerate distress—all of which can contribute to emotional disengagement.
Beyond personal history, broader cultural forces also shape how we experience emotional closeness. Cultural norms further complicate the picture, including for men, who often receive messages that emotional expression is a form of weakness. Unfortunately, emotional suppression is still heavily encouraged for men due to socialization and a culture that equates vulnerability with weakness.
So, is emotional unavailability always a red flag? Not necessarily. As we’ve discussed, EU exists on a spectrum, and, let’s be real, most of us at one point or another struggle with emotional expression due to past experiences or personal challenges. If someone recognizes their emotional limitations and is actively working to become more open, this is a positive sign and can be a foundation for growth within the relationship.
However, when emotional unavailability manifests as a consistent pattern without any effort to change, it can lead to relational dissatisfaction for everyone involved. In these cases, it can be important to assess whether the relationship meets your emotional needs and if it’s sustainable in the long term.
At the end of the day, what we’re left with is a pattern—one that is real, relational, and, notably, often repairable. Emotional availability is something that can be cultivated with self-awareness and effort.
Why Is Being Emotionally Available Important for Our Well-Being?
Emotional availability and vulnerability are foundational for mental and relational well-being. As humans, we are meant to connect with one another, and being emotionally present with each other is a significant part of that. When we are emotionally available, we can recognize and express our feelings, connect meaningfully with others, and navigate our relationships with open hearts. Small acts of emotional openness—like expressing appreciation or sharing a personal challenge—strengthen bonds and build trust.
Research supports these claims: expressing emotions, including negative ones, enhances relationship satisfaction and is linked to various aspects of psychological well-being, such as resilience, self-awareness, and the capacity for joy. Engaging openly with our emotions aids in stress management and helps us develop a more robust sense of self. Emotionally available individuals are better equipped to form supportive relationships and communities, which are imperative for mental health and managing life’s challenges.
Conversely, suppressing emotions can lead to stress, anxiety, and a sense of isolation. Emotional unavailability often results in transactional interactions, where relationships lack depth and emotional resonance. This detachment can stem from fear of vulnerability, past traumas, or learned behaviors, frequently leading to feelings of loneliness and dissatisfaction.
How Can We Cultivate Emotional Availability Within Ourselves and In Our Relationships?
Start with yourself.
Becoming more emotionally available begins by getting curious about your own inner world. What are your patterns when things get tough? What kinds of feelings are hardest for you to sit with? Building a close, honest relationship with yourself lays the foundation for being able to show up for others. Journaling, therapy, or even regular moments of quiet reflection can help you notice how you respond emotionally—and where you might want to grow.
Learn how to calm your nervous system.
When emotions run high, it’s natural to want to shut down, lash out, or retreat. Learning how to self-soothe—through deep breathing, grounding exercises, or mindfulness—makes it easier to stay present even if you’re feeling overwhelmed. It’s not about never feeling triggered; it’s about recognizing when you are and finding ways to stay connected anyway.
Practice being a little braver.
Emotional availability isn’t about sharing everything all at once. It’s built in small, everyday moments: telling someone you care about them, admitting when you’re hurt, or sitting with someone else’s pain without trying to fix it. Vulnerability is like a muscle—the more you use it, the stronger it gets. Real life can offer so many opportunities to practice: texting a friend when you’re feeling low, saying “I miss you” when you mean it, or asking for help even when it feels awkward. Therapy can also provide a safe space to explore and express difficult emotions, leading to the development of healthier relational patterns. Through the therapeutic relationship itself, you get to experience a secure connection—one where you can practice vulnerability, build trust, and begin to rewrite old relationship templates in real-time.
In the end, emotional availability is about more than just being present—it’s about creating meaningful, vulnerable connections that nourish our relationships and our well-being. The process of becoming more emotionally available may take time and effort, but it’s one worth embarking on, for both ourselves and those we care about. If you’re finding that emotional availability is something you’d like to explore or work on, or you’re struggling to determine if the people in your life are emotionally available, please know that you don’t have to figure it out alone. We would be honored to support you in creating the connections that allow you to feel truly seen and cared for.