Why Can’t I Make Up My Mind?: Challenging Decision Paralysis With Desire and Self-Knowledge

We make countless decisions every day—some without a second thought, almost instinctually. But then there are those decisions we agonize over, going back and forth until we’re exhausted. Sometimes, that little voice in our head makes us doubt our choices, yet we push forward anyway.

While founding and growing Take Root, I’ve had to make countless choices. Some were straightforward, but others were overwhelming, making it easier to just avoid deciding altogether. Even something as basic as picking an Electronic Health Record System took endless research, consultations, and back-and-forths. And then there were the bigger decisions—the ones that kept me up at night. I’ve made choices out of fear, even when my gut was telling me otherwise. Looking back, I see how those decisions didn’t align with what I truly knew deep down. While I can still feel the sting of regret, those experiences have also taught me to trust myself more.

Decision-making isn’t always easy, especially when we’re bombarded with options and struggle to tune into what we really want. By exploring how our decision-making is connected to our desires and self-knowledge, we can start to overcome decision paralysis and make choices with more confidence.

What is Decision Paralysis?

Decision paralysis, also known as choice paralysis or analysis paralysis, has been a topic of interest among academics and researchers since the 1970s. Alvin Toffler coined the term “choice overload” in his 1970 book “Future Shock” to describe what happens when people struggle to make decisions because they feel overwhelmed by the number of options or get stuck in overanalyzing. It’s a phenomenon that’s become more common in our modern, choice-saturated society.

What Makes It So Hard To Make Decisions?

Insecurity:

Insecurity often emerges after we’ve been through something distressing or traumatic. These kinds of experiences can shake our sense of stability and self-worth, making us question our value, abilities, or even our place in the world. That lingering vulnerability can stick around long after the event itself. If you’ve ever regretted a decision or grew up thinking it wasn’t okay to make mistakes, those feelings of insecurity can get even stronger.

Over time, societal pressures and comparisons to others can reinforce these insecurities, leading to a pervasive sense of self-doubt that can be difficult to overcome. Research shows a strong link between trauma and its impact on how we think, including memory, attention, and executive functioning, all of which are utilized during decision.

A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people who experience insecurity often have more difficulty making decisions. Insecurity makes decision-making more difficult by magnifying the fear of failure, promoting perfectionism, and causing excessive reliance on others’ opinions, all of which slow us down or stop us from making decisions altogether.

According to researchers, when individuals are insecure, they tend to overestimate risks and underestimate their capacity to handle potential consequences, leading to cognitive overload and, consequently, inaction.

Social Expectations:

Social expectations also contribute to indecisiveness by creating external pressures that can conflict with personal desires, aka what we think we are supposed to want vs what we want. This clash between expectations and desires may create fear of judgment and complicate decision-making with the need for validation and approval.

Kernis and Goldman’s research reinforces this concept. When people align their actions with their true selves, they are more likely to experience psychological well-being. Conversely, indecisiveness is more likely to be present when external pressures conflict with personal desires, values, or beliefs.

Take, for example, the influence of heteronormative culture. It often conveys the idea that individuals should aspire to traditional gender roles, monogamous heterosexual relationships, and adhere to societal norms in both their personal and professional lives. These messages influence what many people perceive as their own desires, often overshadowing their actual wants and identities. Further research has shown that the fear of judgment for not conforming to societal norms can make individuals feel disconnected from their true desires. Cultural and familial pressures to fulfill specific roles can create inner conflict, reinforcing a pattern of disconnection and making it harder for individuals to prioritize decisions that align with their own values and beliefs.

Studies show us that social support increases self-esteem and makes decision-making more fluid. People desire to feel loved and supported for who they truly are. When there is a conflict between societal expectations and their authentic selves, people may avoid or postpone decisions that could affect how others see them.

Consumerism:

The consumer landscape has significantly transformed in the last century, largely due to technological advancements and globalization. This has led to a mind-boggling number of choices in almost every area of life.

Historian William Leach traces the roots of this consumer explosion back to the turn of the 20th century in the U.S., where retail evolved from small shops to massive department stores and mail-order catalogs. This shift marked a move from utility-driven production to profit-oriented strategies, emphasizing consumer desire over practicality. Thus, consumer culture became integral to American identity and economic success.

We can see the impact of this in our daily lives. We are faced with numerous options for almost every decision we make. When we go out to eat or go to the grocery store, we are bombarded with countless choices, cuisines, and brands. This overwhelming array of options can make it tough to decide what to eat or what to cook, often resulting in frustration and a sense of dissatisfaction even after a decision is made.

You can also observe this in the dating world. While online dating apps have helped so many people connect and develop fulfilling relationships, introducing them to potential friends or romantic partners they may never otherwise meet, the number of dating apps and the way that we use them has also contributed to difficulty identifying which app to use, much less who to go on dates with. So many daters report feeling overwhelmed by the sheer number of apps to choose from and frustrated by swipe culture, which keeps us hooked to the idea that there’s always a better option one swipe away.

In his book “The Paradox of Choice,” Barry Schwartz highlights that when individuals are presented with too many choices, such as in retirement funds, they tend to participate less and miss out on tangible benefits. Additionally, having numerous options typically diminishes satisfaction with decisions because people are more prone to regret and feel that their choice should have been perfect, which is rarely achievable. This heightened expectation can lead to disappointment, even with favorable outcomes. The book also touches on the psychological burden of choice, noting that excessive options can exacerbate feelings of responsibility for poor decisions and potentially contribute to increased dissatisfaction and mental health issues.

What Art The Impacts of Decision Paralysis?

Decision Paralysis can significantly impact various areas of life. It can lead to increased stress and anxiety as individuals worry about the potential outcomes of their choices, resulting in mental fatigue and reduced cognitive function. This indecisiveness often leads to procrastination, reducing productivity and efficiency by creating backlogs and hindering time management. The hesitancy to act can result in missed opportunities, whether they involve career advancements, social engagements, or personal investments. It can lead to overwhelm from too many choices and decision fatigue.

In relationships, decision paralysis can strain interactions with friends, family, and colleagues, leading to frustration and conflicts due to perceived unreliability. Communication can suffer as individuals avoid important discussions out of fear of making wrong choices, potentially eroding trust and creating an uneven distribution of responsibilities. This indecisiveness can also make it hard to engage in relationships, leading to social withdrawal and missed opportunities to strengthen connections.

On a professional level, chronic indecision can impede career progress by preventing individuals from pursuing promotions or taking on leadership roles. It can decrease self-esteem and confidence, leading to self-doubt and a negative self-image. This hesitance can also hinder goal achievement and personal development, as individuals may avoid new experiences and struggle with problem-solving. The mental health consequences of ongoing decision paralysis include an increased risk of depression and anxiety, which can further impact overall well-being.

How Does Desire and Self Knowing Impact Decision Making?

Decision paralysis is not just the result of too many choices; it can often stem from a deeper source: our understanding, or lack thereof, of our desires. To make choices more easily, we need to consider the intricate relationship between decision-making, desire, and self-knowledge.

At its core, desire is an emotional state characterized by a strong feeling of wanting or wishing for something. This sense of yearning drives us toward specific goals and significantly influences our choices, often without our conscious awareness. From a psychological standpoint, desire is a motivational force, propelling us to pursue what we believe will bring satisfaction or pleasure. However, desire is not just a simple impulse; it is shaped by a complex interplay of internal and external factors.

Psychoanalytic theory suggests that our unconscious desires—formed by early experiences and deep-seated drives—play a crucial role in our decision-making process. Moreover, our choices are frequently swayed by the decisions of others and the broader societal context, often referred to as the “big Other” in psychoanalytic terms. This external influence can sometimes obscure our true desires, making it difficult to make decisions that genuinely align with our authentic selves.

Understanding and overcoming decision paralysis requires deep self-knowledge—a comprehensive awareness of our desires, values, and motivations.

Self-knowledge involves looking inward, reflecting on past experiences, and understanding the forces shaping our desires. In fact, studies have shown that when people act in accordance with their true selves, they experience greater satisfaction with their decisions and are more resilient to stress. By clarifying what we truly want, we can align our choices with our authentic selves, reducing the anxiety and uncertainty that often accompanies decision-making. This alignment helps ensure that our choices resonate with who we truly are, beyond societal expectations or fleeting impulses.

Ultimately, self-knowledge guides us in navigating desire, clarifying choices, and helping us feel more confident about them. When we understand our values, we can make more informed and authentic decisions. Rather than simply reacting to external pressures, self-knowledge allows us to take action that is a true reflection of who we are—ideally making the process of decision-making not just easier but more meaningful.

What Can Help Me Make Decisions?

Look Inward:

To develop self-knowledge and better understand our desires, we must look inward. How do we do this? Of course, therapy is one way to better understand our inner worlds, including our beliefs, values, and desires, but it’s not the only way. Journaling offers another way to slow down and tune in to what motivates you, what you care about, and what you really want. In addition to pros and cons lists (which you can also create in your journal), journaling can offer the opportunity to move beyond the concrete and pragmatic to better understand your nuances, nooks, and crannies. Having deep and honest conversations with safe and trusted loved ones can also help us better understand ourselves.

Also, knowing yourself and looking inward can help you spot what might be holding you back from making a decision—like fear. Understanding what you’re afraid of, exploring those fears, and figuring out how you want to handle them can be incredibly valuable in learning to make choices that genuinely honor who you are. Reflecting on past decisions, even those we regret, allows us to learn from those experiences and build confidence in our future choices. It’s about recognizing that, even when things didn’t go as planned, you were able to move forward and be okay. This awareness can be so helpful when facing yet another choice.

Speed Up and Slow Down:

Of course, it’s impossible to speed up and slow down simultaneously. But when you’re trying to get back in touch with your own desire and instincts, pay attention to your initial reaction or impulse. Sometimes, your first reaction is aligned with what you truly want, but we try to convince ourselves that this isn’t the case. On the other hand, our decision-making compass may have been thrown out of balance due to experiences and fears. In these cases, what we think is our intuition can sometimes be a reaction to past harmful experiences and an attempt to feel safe or find something familiar (even if it’s not what’s best for you). While you can acknowledge your first reaction, slowing down can also allow you to explore it further and revisit your values and beliefs. It makes sense that we could feel overwhelmed when making decisions, and slowing down allows us to take care of our emotional state so that we can make the choice that honors ourselves.  

Accept Uncertainty:

One of the hardest parts of decision-making is accepting that sometimes, there’s no “right” answer. Every choice we make involves giving something up—closing the door on other options. And that’s okay. It’s normal to feel uneasy about the unknown, and trying to find the perfect choice can keep us stuck in place.

Instead of waiting for absolute certainty, it can be helpful to acknowledge that uncertainty is just part of life. No matter how much we analyze and plan, we can’t predict every outcome. By embracing this, we give ourselves permission to make decisions based on what we believe feels right and aligned with our desires and values, knowing that it’s also okay to make mistakes and that we can keep honing in on our wisdom.

Making decisions can feel like an impossible task, especially when we’re caught in a cycle of doubt and overthinking. While we’ve explored some ways that understanding our desires and knowing ourselves can help us overcome decision paralysis, this is just the tip of the iceberg. We all face unique challenges, and sometimes, we need a little extra support to navigate through them.

If you’re feeling stuck or overwhelmed, know you’re not alone. Making choices that truly honor who you are is a journey, and there’s no shame in seeking help along the way. If you need more support, we would be glad to help you on this journey, so please do reach out.

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