I recently made the difficult decision to assert a boundary with my family while they were here visiting us in Los Angeles, knowing it might not go over well. I communicated it with as much care as I could and felt pretty good about it—until I got a phone call from my mother a couple of days later. She told me how hurt people felt and asked me to make an exception, to say yes instead of no.
I reeled. I immediately started second-guessing myself. My instinct was to fold, to make my mom and family happy, and to push my own wants and needs aside. I felt awful for causing pain, and all I wanted to do was fix it.
But instead of just saying yes, I let myself feel the guilt and shame, and I sat with it. I asked myself some hard questions:
Had I said no? Yes.
Was it wrong to say no? No.
Did I say no to be hurtful? No.
Why did I say no? I said no because I truly believed it was the best thing for me and my kids. And while I had a hunch there might be hurt feelings, I’d said it with care and intention.
I reminded myself: I’m not responsible for other people’s feelings or the way they interpret my choices.
So instead of folding, I held the line. I restated my boundary, opened the door for conversation, and said that my no still felt right—and that I still loved everyone involved. I created a Plan B that worked for me, and I hoped would show my family that I cared about them while honoring my own needs. And then, I celebrated the strengthening of this new muscle that I have spent years building.
What Is People-Pleasing?
It is common to confuse people pleasing for kindness, so it can often hide in plain sight. It can look like agreeing to work an extra day because you don’t want to seem like a slacker– even though you’re exhausted– or deciding to host every holiday dinner because it feels too awkward to ask someone else to help out. People pleasers will say things like “It’s no problem at all!” while quietly feeling taken for granted. These moments look like kindness on the outside, but they’re generally rooted in fear or habit, not genuine desire or connection.
People-pleasing is the habitual prioritization of others’ desires, comforts, and expectations over your own—continually at your own expense. People pleasing is often driven by fear: fear of rejection, conflict, abandonment, being uncomfortable, or even not being liked. At its core, people-pleasing is a safety strategy that relies on control—a way to manage how others perceive you in order to avoid discomfort, rejection, or any response that feels unsafe.
Before you realize it, this pattern can start to shape every part of your life. You agree to things without checking in with yourself, walk into rooms already reading everyone else’s energy, and consistently rationalize overextending yourself because the idea of disappointing someone isn’t even an option. And all of this leads to anxiety, feelings of resentment and shame, and a growing disconnect from your wants and needs.
Where Does People-Pleasing Come From?
People pleasing can develop in response to a range of influences: developmental, cultural, psychological, and neurobiological.
Research indicates that children who receive affection, support, and love conditionally instead of unconditionally are more likely to internalize the belief that their value depends on how well they meet others’ needs. This sets the stage for people pleasing to become a primary relational strategy—especially, but not exclusively, for those experiencing anxious attachment.
Driven by a deep fear of abandonment, people experiencing anxious attachment are likely to become hyper-attuned to others’ moods and expectations—constantly scanning for signs of rejection or disconnection. For these people, it can really feel that their safety and belonging depend on staying likable and agreeable.
While less obvious, people experiencing avoidant attachment also engage in people pleasing behaviors—often as a strategy to avoid conflict, maintain emotional distance, or manage how they’re perceived. In both cases, people pleasing becomes a way to feel safe and in control within a relationship.
Research suggests that people who have experienced trauma—especially relational or developmental trauma—are prone to adopting people-pleasing tendencies as a survival response. When staying attuned to others’ needs becomes necessary for self-protection, people pleasing becomes a safety mechanism for navigating unpredictable environments.
There are also cultural and gendered layers. In Western cultures, women are often conditioned to be accommodating, selfless, and agreeable. Many of us were taught to be ‘good, nice, quiet girls’—while boys are excused with phrases like “boys will be boys.” One study found that 59% of women demonstrated people-pleasing tendencies compared to just 38% of men. Other studies highlight how a desire for social acceptance and approval is more commonly socialized in women, especially when tied to caregiving roles or expectations around likability.
The cultural components are far-reaching and complex, too. Psychologists highlight how in Western, individualistic cultures, the self tends to be seen as autonomous and self-directed. In many non-Western or collectivist cultures, however, the focus shifts toward interdependence, group harmony, social roles, and collective well-being. This distinction has real implications for how people-pleasing shows up and how it’s judged. In cultures where independence is prized, people-pleasing might be seen as a flaw or a sign of weakness. But in cultures where relational harmony is core to the self, similar behaviors might be viewed as respectful, even virtuous. The cultural lens matters; it shapes whether people-pleasing feels like self-betrayal or a meaningful way to care for others.
And, of course, it’s not just culture or conditioning… our brains like to get involved too. Neurologically, people-pleasing can feel rewarding—literally. Social approval activates the brain’s dopamine system, reinforcing the behavior even when it comes at our own expense. Anticipating disapproval can also activate the body’s stress response, making it feel safer to say ‘yes’ in the moment, even if it will cause long-term harm.
Why Does People Pleasing Cause Shame?
The people pleasing loop, officially known as the shame loop, goes something like this: perform → resent → feel ashamed → perform again. First, you say yes without considering how you actually feel. You end up feeling depleted during/after. Resentment bubbles up… Why couldn’t your friend read that you were tired? And then shame quickly follows as you ask yourself, “Why am I so sensitive? I would want the same thing. I’m being selfish.” So you continue to be compulsively helpful, hoping it will feel good at some point. Does this feel familiar to you? Psychologists Linda Hartling and Jean Baker Miller call this relational violation shame. This kind of shame surfaces when we sacrifice our authenticity to maintain connection.
How Does People-Pleasing Harm Us and Our Relationships?
One of the most painful effects of chronic people-pleasing is how it pulls us away from ourselves. When we’re always tuned into what others want, what they need, and what will make them comfortable, we lose sight of our own preferences, feelings, and desires. Over time, we can start to disappear into the roles we play. We become whoever the moment calls for, constantly scanning the room, adjusting, masking, and reshaping ourselves to fit shapes we were never meant to shrink into.
This kind of performance does not allow for real intimacy in a relationship. When we’re always curating a polished, agreeable version of ourselves, even the love we receive can feel hollow because, deep down, we know we are not fully seen. And if we’re not truly seen, how can we trust that the connection is real?
In this way, people-pleasing can give rise to unhealthy relational dynamics. We may fall into patterns of codependency, avoid necessary conflict, or stay in relationships that leave us depleted—all in an effort to protect others’ feelings. But resentment inevitably builds. And when we suppress that too, research shows we’re more likely to experience depression, anxiety, and burnout. What’s more, studies suggest that constantly sacrificing our own needs can actually frustrate or distance the very people we’re trying to please, ultimately making our relationships less satisfying for everyone involved. In trying to preserve connection, we may unknowingly be eroding it.
How Can We Manage the Urge to People Please?
For our fellow people pleasers, it’s important to note: Breaking these patterns isn’t about becoming selfish, cold, or detached. It’s about learning to show up with authenticity, self-respect, and self-trust. It’s about learning to act from desire instead of fear.
It’s also worth acknowledging that people-pleasing doesn’t look or feel the same for everyone. Our cultural backgrounds shape how we understand connection, boundaries, and responsibility. In some cultures, prioritizing others’ needs is deeply tied to respect, family, and community—and that can make setting boundaries more complex. Honoring your cultural values while caring for your own needs is part of the journey, too.
Here are some strategies that may help you along the way.
Pause and Check In
Before automatically saying yes to something, ask yourself: Do I really want to do this? Am I acting from fear or genuine interest? How will I feel afterward, if I agree to this? Am I being clear, or am I trying to avoid discomfort? What would I do if I didn’t feel afraid?
By allowing yourself to pause, you start interrupting the pattern of reflexive yeses—and create space for more honest, self-aligned choices.
Practice Saying No
Saying no is a skill, and like any skill, it takes practice. Start small, and have a few ready-to-go phrases on hand, like: “I’d love to, but I need to check my calendar first.” These gentle boundaries help you build the muscle, especially when a direct “no” still feels out of reach.
Track Your Boundaries
Every time you say no, set a boundary, or speak up for yourself, make a note of it. These are tiny acts of self-loyalty. And they add up. They become evidence you can come back to when doubt creeps in. There’s even a brain benefit: every time you acknowledge a moment of self-trust, you light up your dopamine system—the same reward circuit that used to fire when you got external approval. But this time, you’re approving of yourself.
Visualize Handling Discomfort
Imagining yourself calmly holding a boundary or tolerating someone’s disappointment can help desensitize your fear response. If you know you’re heading into a tough meeting or an emotionally charged conversation with a friend, take a moment beforehand to visualize how you want to show up. The brain doesn’t always distinguish between imagination and real experience, so this kind of mental rehearsal can start to rewire your response and build your confidence from the inside out.
Reframe Guilt
Most people-pleasers feel guilt the moment they don’t meet their own impossible standards of meeting everyone else’s needs. But here’s the thing: guilt doesn’t always mean you’ve done something wrong. Often, what we call guilt is really just discomfort—tension, unfamiliar feelings, difference, or change. When that happens, it can help to check in with your values. Ask yourself: Is this “no” in line with what I truly believe and need? If the answer is yes, then what you’re feeling might not be guilt at all. Instead, it could be an invitation to get more comfortable with discomfort—and that’s a really important part of growing.
Start Small, Then Go Deeper
Start by setting boundaries in low-stakes situations. This can look like turning down a casual invitation or asking for a different table at a restaurant. These small shifts build confidence. From there, you can work toward higher-stakes relationships and more challenging situations.
Letting go of people-pleasing is a journey, not a quick fix. It takes patience, practice, and a whole lot of self-compassion. Setting boundaries and honoring your needs doesn’t mean you are selfish; instead, they allow you to show up authentically in your relationships and act with genuine generosity. If you struggle with these patterns or feel overwhelmed, please know you don’t have to do it alone. We hope you reach out to us and use us as a resource. You deserve to be seen, heard, and cared for just as you are.