I love stuff. I love buying things, decorating my home, adorning myself with jewelry. I’m delighted by a new outfit, and few things bring me as much joy as snagging something I’ve been coveting on sale. I grew up with a mother who dragged me to yard sales and estate sales every weekend. As a small child, this wasn’t exactly how I wanted to spend my Saturdays, but eventually I came to love it too, getting a peek into the lives other people had lived through their belongings, imagining what I might do with their cast-offs. Yes.
I’m not particularly proud of this aspect of myself. My oldest friends tease me about my shopping habits. And as I’ve gotten clearer on my values, they often clash with my desire to consume. I care deeply about the environment and about the people making the things I buy, which makes it painful to purchase items that might end up in a landfill or were made under exploitative conditions. I also can’t stand clutter, which means that when my home fills up with all the stuff I’ve accumulated, I feel overwhelmed and frustrated. My relationship with things has always been complicated, and it’s still evolving.
In college, I took a Buddhist Psychology class where my professor said something that stuck with me: we don’t only fall in love with people. We can fall in love with things too. A lightbulb went off. It helped me understand my need to collect, to own, to possess. It normalized my attachments (though Buddhism also teaches that attachment is the root of suffering). Over time, I’ve learned to appreciate what this part of me offers. It’s allowed me to create spaces where others feel held and where I find comfort. It’s let me express myself through my clothing and my home. And I’ve also learned to stay in conversation with the part of me that always wants more, so I can be more intentional about when and how I consume.
Why do so many of us feel drawn to buying and collecting things in the first place?
Part of the answer is simply that wanting things is deeply human. We are drawn to buying and collecting because our possessions are closely tied to how we understand ourselves. Research shows that across cultures, people use what they own to express identity, values, and group belonging, not just for utility. Psychologists describe our belongings as part of our “extended self.” In other words, our stuff becomes a symbol of who we are and who we want to be.
There’s also evidence that suggests feeling ownership over an object is psychologically rewarding in itself. Humans seem to be motivated by a sense of “mine-ness.” It supports feelings of control, competence, and stability. Studies on the endowment effect show that once we’re given ownership of an object, we immediately value it more than an identical item we don’t own, even when the object is randomly assigned, and nothing about the object has changed. The act of acquiring and keeping things gets wrapped up with our identity and our sense of control.
Collecting is a common, routine human behavior that helps people create coherence and structure in our lives. I definitely had sticker collections when I was growing up (and rock collections, bandaid collections, CD collections, the list goes on), while my older brother collected comic books and Magic cards. Many find that collecting offers a way to construct personal identity and exert control, both in the material world and online. For most of us, collections are tied to memories, continuity, and connection, shaped by family, friends, and communities. Underlying it all is a strong desire for control. When life feels chaotic, working toward completing a collection can feel especially comforting and give a sense of order.
And, when people feel a gap between who they are and who they want to be, they’re more likely to use shopping to cope with that discomfort, buying things that symbolically represent competence, belonging, or status. We’re not just buying for function. We’re buying to manage feelings of inadequacy.
How have marketing, social media, and our capitalist culture learned to hook into that desire for “more”?
Now that we understand our natural inclination to collect and consume, we can see how marketing, social media, and our economic system have been designed to reinforce and profit from that tendency. Sociologists describe contemporary consumer culture as built around “perpetual non-satisfaction.” Products are marketed as solutions to our discomfort or insecurity, but only until we’re prompted to want something else. Consumption becomes less about meeting stable needs and more about continuously creating new wants so there’s always another “more” to reach for.
Marketing and digital technology make this process highly personalized. Shoshana Zuboff describes “surveillance capitalism” as a system in which our clicks, searches, and scrolls are treated as raw material that can be turned into behavioral data, modeled, and sold in what she calls “behavioral futures markets.” Those predictions then feed targeted advertising and recommendations that anticipate our vulnerabilities in real time. Research on personalized advertising shows that when ads are tailored to individuals in this way, people find them more relevant and are more likely to want to buy compared to non-personalized ads.
Online shopping is also deliberately designed to keep us engaged and saying yes. Research on persuasive design and “dark patterns” in online shopping shows that features like countdown timers, artificial low-stock warnings, pre-checked add-ons, and confusing opt-out processes quantifiably increase impulsive purchases. A study that looked at 11,000+ shopping websites found these patterns are very common and that many sites use them to get people to buy more or share more personal information. Recent research also shows that these tactics work especially well on people who already have trouble with impulse control, making them even more vulnerable to these strategies.
And, of course, social media plays a huge role in social comparison and marketing. Recent studies have found that people who use Facebook and Instagram and place a high value on material things tend to buy on impulse more often. This is partly because social media exposes us to idealized images and encourages us to constantly compare ourselves to others. Other research shows that comparing ourselves to people online, feeling envy, and following influencers all increase the chances of making impulsive purchases, especially for flashy or status-related items. In general, the way social media showcases aspirational lifestyles encourages us to keep comparing ourselves and can easily lead to more impulse buying.
What is happening in our brains and bodies when we are scrolling, shopping, or “adding to cart”?
Shopping and scrolling aren’t neutral experiences. Research shows that when we see something we want, the brain’s reward centers light up. If the price feels too high, regions linked to discomfort activate. Our decision to buy depends on which reaction wins out. Paying with credit cards or digital wallets makes it easier for the reward circuits to win. The brain responds more strongly when we use credit than cash.
But these brain responses happen even with small, everyday buying decisions, too. Even just browsing online, especially for clothes, can activate the reward, self-reflection, and attention networks. Some studies have actually found that they can predict if you’ll buy something online just by looking at how your brain responds when you see it.
Getting Likes on Instagram or Facebook activates these same reward systems in the brain. Repeated digital rewards can strengthen these pathways in ways similar to behavioral addictions and even short sessions on Instagram can increase craving or excitement in the body.
Our bodies react, too. We show greater physical arousal (changes in skin conductance, heart rate variability) when looking at products we like. Scrolling and viewing digital content changes our heart rate, skin response, and even facial muscle activity, reflecting our excitement, emotional state, and mental effort in real time.
How can we tell the difference between buying something that truly supports us and buying to numb, soothe, or prove our worth? And what does this do to our mental health?
The difference comes down to why we’re buying and how much control we feel in the moment. It’s less about what we buy and more about our motivations and what happens afterward.
Clinical research on compulsive buying reveals a consistent pattern: mounting tension or low mood, followed by a strong urge to shop, temporary relief during or right after the purchase, and ultimately distress, debt, or conflict. Studies across cultures consistently find that people with compulsive buying tendencies also report more symptoms of depression. When shopping becomes our go-to strategy for managing difficult emotions, mental health tends to decline over time.
A major review of 260 studies found that people who place high value on money, possessions, and image consistently feel worse about themselves and their lives. Prioritizing external goals like wealth, status, or approval is linked with lower psychological well-being. By contrast, focusing on intrinsic goals (relationships, personal growth, contributing to others) is associated with greater happiness and life satisfaction. When buying becomes a way to signal status or prove our worth, it’s more likely tied to ongoing distress.
But there’s also research on mindful consumption, which describes an almost opposite pattern. When we pay attention to why we’re buying, we’re more likely to make choices aligned with our real needs and values. We’re better able to pause and avoid impulsive decisions. Mindful consumption means being aware of our motives, considering the impact of our purchases, and being able to self-regulate. Early studies suggest that purchases made with intention (thoughtful rather than urgent, aligned with genuine needs rather than image repair) are much less likely to leave us with regret, shame, or financial crisis.
How can we start to interrupt impulsive urges to buy in the moment and become more mindful consumers?
A lot can change if we add even a small pause between oncoming urges to purchase and the purchase itself. Studies on online shopping have found that people who exercise more mindfulness, especially those who pay attention to their own thoughts and emotions, tend to make fewer impulsive purchases. This is because practicing mindfulness can help strengthen self-control and make it easier to notice our urges without immediately acting on them. Part of this is about self-control, but it also comes down to emotional regulation: when we’re better at recognizing and managing our emotions in the moment, we’re less likely to shop just to cope with discomfort.
Practicing self-compassion also seems to reduce impulse buying. When we’re kinder to ourselves in moments of discomfort, it’s easier to pause and acknowledge what we’re feeling rather than rushing to buy something to relieve the discomfort. This gentler approach helps us ride out urges and choose what’s actually supportive, rather than just soothing ourselves with a quick purchase.
I tried this myself this past year. I challenged myself to not buy any new items, and it actually worked for most of the year… until it didn’t. The last few months, I started purchasing again. But here’s what surprised me: instead of beating myself up about “failing,” I offered myself grace and compassion for not meeting my commitment. And what I noticed was that my purchases had become more intentional. I was able to slow myself down. I wasn’t just clicking “buy now” at 11pm while scrolling in bed. The practice had changed something in me, even when I wasn’t following the rule perfectly. That’s actually what matters more than perfection.
There are practical tools that can help, too. Notice your personal spending patterns. When or where are you most tempted to overspend? You might uninstall shopping apps, remove saved payment info, or set clear rules about how much to spend and which situations are off-limits. Even small changes like these can reduce impulse purchases and help you feel more aware and in control.
These strategies are borrowed from successful group therapy programs, but anyone can use them to build healthier habits and support their financial goals. This is further supported by self-control research, which shows that changing the situation is almost always more effective than relying solely on willpower. That’s why the 24-hour or 30-day rule pops up so much in advice about spending. Evidence shows that if you take this suggested amount of time to consider a non-essential purchase, you are less likely to make impulse purchases that you may later regret.
How can we begin to feel more content with what we already have while still living in a culture that tells us we never have enough?
As we’ve already touched on, feeling content with what we have isn’t really about how much we own. It’s about what we choose to value and how we utilize what’s already in our lives. People who focus on close relationships, personal growth, and making a difference for others (what psychologists call intrinsic goals) tend to feel more satisfied than those who are chasing status or material rewards (extrinsic goals). In other words, contentment grows when we prioritize our connections with ourselves and others, rather than simply accumulating more things.
There are also small shifts we can make in how we spend and what we pay attention to that can noticeably enrich our lives. Spending on experiences, like time with people we care about or learning something new, tends to bring more lasting happiness than buying objects. This is partly because experiences weave themselves into our memories and relationships, while things, as much as we all love and need them, can fade into the background or get compared to what someone else has.
The same goes for generosity. Using even a little bit of our resources to help others or create joy for someone else seems to give a deeper sense of satisfaction than spending that same amount only on ourselves. Prioritizing experiences and small acts of generosity, even here and there, can shift us toward a much richer sense of well-being.
Gratitude and savoring are two practices that can make a surprisingly big difference in how we feel about what we already have. When we take time to pause and notice what’s good and whole in our lives, and allow ourselves to soak in the good moments, we get into the practice of feeling satisfied, instead of scanning for what’s missing or what we should buy next. Gratitude roots us in the present, reminding us to notice what’s here, right now. Savoring works similarly. The more we let ourselves enjoy the little things (a favorite mug, a walk outside, a meal with someone we love), the less our minds spin toward what’s next or what we don’t have.
Choosing a simpler lifestyle and spending more time in nature can shift our priorities, too. Things like a walk in the park, gardening, or just relaxing with a book in a quiet corner help us refocus on what’s real and grounding. These moments pull us away from our devices and out of spaces designed for consuming, inviting us to be more present with the world and with ourselves. In these moments, we may realize just how little we actually need.
Finding Your Way Forward
If you’ve recognized yourself in this article (if you find yourself shopping to cope, comparing yourself to others online, or feeling trapped in a cycle of wanting more), please know you’re not alone. Our culture makes this incredibly difficult, and the fact that you’re thinking about it means you’re already starting to change your relationship with consumption.
This work isn’t easy to do alone. In therapy, we can explore what’s underneath the urge to buy: the emotions you’re trying to manage, the needs you’re trying to meet, the version of yourself you’re trying to become. We can identify patterns, build awareness, and develop strategies that actually work for your life. We can look at how your values and your spending habits might be out of alignment, and work together to close that gap.
If you’re struggling with impulse spending, compulsive shopping, or the emotional toll of always wanting more, we would be honored to support you in this work. You don’t have to figure this out on your own, and you don’t have to feel ashamed of where you’re starting from. There’s a path toward feeling more content, more intentional, and more at peace with what you have and who you are.